The Hollow Tree

Dying Inside

The athlete – or student, or businessperson, or performer, or human being – who is entirely driven by external benchmarks and comparison is dooming themselves to a long, possibly endless string of disappointments and putting themselves at high risk for burnout, which is what happens when we not only lose our desire to continue in an activity, we actually come to resent it and often feel real emotional and physical distress when we’re around it. This is an alarmingly common phenomenon in the world of youth sport; 70% of kids quit before age 13. A huge problem with education and youth sport is that adults are running the show based on adult sensibilities and priorities, and based on what they think they know about “what kids really need.” Often, these priorities include winning and hard work that usually happen at the expense of fun, kindness, compassion, and self-expression.

I want to make it clear that I don’t think they’re all wrong, these adults. There are people out there doing incredible work, using their knowledge of, and experience with, kids and the application of developmental principles to do real good. I only mean to point out that these people are currently the exception that starkly exposes the rule; much of how we adults organize youth activities and behave around them is well-intended but misguided at best, and at its worst can be a serious threat to the well-being of our kids. 

Teaching our young people to rely entirely on extrinsic motivators - like winning, like statistics, like dollars - pulls the rug out from underneath their ability to take command of their own learning process. Extrinsic motivators lack the stability of an internal organizing principle, much in the way a beautiful tree that is dead inside is susceptible to a change in the wind because of its lack of internal stability. It looks solid and beautiful and vibrant outside, and we might in fact laud this tree for its beauty, take selfies in front of the tree, pay to visit the tree, and tell our friends how magnificent the tree is. Under the right circumstances, the tree might stand up for a long time.

However, remember that this tree lacks healthy heartwood, and because of this, its roots have an ever-increasingly tenuous hold on the Earth. This tree can no longer transport the nutrients necessary to keep it strong and resilient. If the wind picks up or brings with it rain or sleet, this tree without a healthy center is likely to crack and fall under the pressure of the storm. This is how I think about a person without an internal reference for their own worth and for the WHY of what they do; this person comes to rely on that outward appearance (which is ego gratification) and the praise and validation of others for direction and self-value. Their self-worth becomes totally reliant on their ego, which is by its very nature fragile and in a constant quest for satisfaction and affirmation that can only come from outside. When this person is challenged, the likelihood of them cracking under pressure is high. By imposing adult values on our kids, we are fostering ego-driven, fragile young athletes who lack the resilience and self-awareness to thrive in the face of a challenge.

Dogs Get it Right

What is the ego? Psychology attempts to answer that question in varying – and variably satisfying – ways. But my preference is to answer it evolutionarily, and to posit that the ego is the manifestation of what some scientists call the “third brain,” which is capable of what is classified as “higher cognition.” This is essentially the ability to choose against our more basic needs and instincts, to ignore the requirements for basic survival and life satisfaction dictated by Brain #1 (Reptilian) and Brain #2 (Mammalian) in service of a goal. We ignore pre-programmed needs like food, water, and shelter (Reptilian brain demands), and also social support, positive emotional experiences, and companionship (Mammal brain). The things that we place so much value on - social and personal comparison, financial extravagance, trophies, awards, being right, or gratification at the expense of and defined by other people - are not necessary for survival or for thriving. In other words, we don’t actually need any of the things that fuel an out-of-control ego. What I’m saying is that “higher cognition” is not strictly necessary for survival, and in fact, how we often apply it subverts our ability to thrive. One of the things that happens when we continue to base our self-worth and our decisions on the expectations and opinions of outside entities like people, societies, governments, schools, and media platforms, is that we get completely caught up in the superficiality of our ego needs and lose touch with our vital internal reference. Our psychological and emotional heartwood begins to degrade if we don’t get it the proper nutrients, and we lose the grounding that grows from knowing who we are and what we need.

The ego is not inherently bad; it is, like many other human characteristics, a neutral phenomenon with both positive and negative potential. Freud theorized that the ego exists to mediate the needs of the id (basic survival) and the superego (social conscience). In this, the ego serves the important function of helping us choose which needs take precedence in a given moment. It gives us a mechanism for evaluating priorities so that we can, on balance, both fulfill our basic needs AND function as members of a society that runs on social agreements. When applied judiciously, the ego - which, remember, is the manifestation of our unique cognitive ability, and a large part of what separates humans from the rest of the animal kingdom - can be a powerful tool in our quest for thriving, altruism, and social engagement. The danger is that the ego tends to get greedy, especially when spoiled and stroked and overfed, and just like a person who is sheltered and only told how great they are and never challenged, the ego is very fragile. When fed a consistent diet of external expectations and rewards and other people’s opinions, the ego becomes bloated and drunk with power and takes control of our decision-making process. Rather than being the navigator that reads the map and helps us choose the best route (Direct? Scenic? Something you want to see along the way?), it cuts the brake lines, tosses us out of the driver’s seat, burns the map, drinks a couple shots of whiskey, and hits the gas. DO you know anyone like that? Or perhaps there are people in the public eye that are examples of power-drunk egocentric fragility? Or, perhaps you recognize some of the drive for external validation in your own life. I know I do.

When I think about the potentials and pitfalls of egocentrism, I inevitably get to the place where I think about what it would look like to put the ego in its proper, useful place. How can we do it? Who can show us the way? We can read psychology and philosophy and self-help books, listen to podcasts, and look around at people who seem to exemplify the balance that is possible when the ego is in its proper place; there is a lot of good information out there. However, for me, I need look no further than my dog. I am what you would call a “dog person.” I love them, want to rescue all of them, and feel more connected to dogs than people much of the time. I don’t view this as a sign of ill health, and here’s why: A dog does not compare itself to other dogs. It doesn’t care if it is bigger or smaller or has long fur or short hair, is brindle or striped or spotted or black or brown or yellow. They don’t even care if they have three legs, one ear, or a crooked walk. Social comparison and external methods of evaluation don’t enter into the mind of a dog; survival and satisfaction are the name of the game, and what IS, simply is. To be sure, dogs are emotional creatures, and they both experience challenge and depend on positive emotional experiences to thrive, just like people do. But unlike us, they don’t have egos. 

A dog doesn’t need to see that they’re happier than the dog next door to feel good about themselves. They don’t suffer without external validation from other dogs; dogs do enjoy praise and love from their people, but it’s not because it satisfies their egos. They, like us, thrive when their basic needs - a few of which are the love, belongingness, acceptance, and social support that they (hopefully) receive from us, as we receive it from them – are being met. This is not at all to say that dogs don’t suffer or that they aren’t affected by trauma, because they do and they are. Dogs express their trauma through behavior, especially when their natural expression is stifled; they simply don’t consciously dwell or ruminate on trauma the way that we do, and they don’t become psychologically entangled in their process like we love to do (there’s nothing more gratifying to the ego than the notion that what we are going through is the biggest, worst, most unique suffering that ever was).

Ego gratification – and the mental acrobatics that come along with it, including metacognition, the process of thinking about our thoughts – does not enter into the dog’s equation. That is a distinctly human need that arrived as soon as we began to value individuality over community, as soon as we began to define ourselves in opposition to other creatures in nature - and to Nature itself - rather than as simply denizens and stewards of the natural world. As far as we know, a Mastiff doesn’t derive its worth from the socially-imposed notion that it is somehow better or more special than a Heeler; dogs are simply themselves, and so they don’t need to build themselves up by tearing other dogs down because that way of looking at the world simply does not exist for them. There is a huge industry of books and seminars and media dedicated to teaching human beings how to “just be.” I say, skip all that and just spend some time around puppies. You know that feeling you get of simple joy, satisfaction, love, and the melting away of the troubles that you thought were so important when you play tug-of-war with a puppy? That is the mental and emotional manifestation of the ego sliding back into its proper place.

The Danger of Separation

What we call the Animal Kingdom is itself defined by humans according to our perceived separateness from it, and by extension, our separateness from Nature. Our so-called superior brain capacity – which is eternally accompanied by and often filtered through our ego – is also characterized by the ability to exercise discernment, which is choice combined with, and informed by, awareness. Discernment, like the ego, itself is neither inherently good nor bad; it depends on how we use it. We human beings are the only creatures that can make a choice that goes against all of our most fundamental instincts and needs. It leads to actions fueled by morality, altruism, and going out of our way for others even when it’s not convenient, but also can lead to narcissism, cruelty, and subjugation or persecution. Racism is a prime example of this: it doesn’t exist in nature, because it is totally unnatural. Rather, racism and the oppression that accompanies it are entirely human-ego creations rooted in the twisted and biased application of discernment. Discernment is the thing that, if we can perform it positively, helps keep us in the realm of humility, compassion, and unity instead of separation and prejudice. Unfortunately, most of us don’t know how to exercise healthy and positive discernment, because humility and kindness, vulnerability and compassion are not valued in societies and systems like ours that run on inequality. One of the consequences of this egocentric, violently individualistic paradigm is that human society has outstripped the pace of natural evolutionary processes in a race to be better, cooler, more powerful, more right, more famous, richer, and happier than anyone that came before. 

Human beings have a nasty habit of consciously choosing things that we know aren’t good for us, that go against our most basic needs (health, positive relationships, social and environmental balance), in service of ego-gratifying, divisive, superficial, externally-referenced and destructive short-term gains. This exercise in free will – our greatest gift, and our most dangerous weapon – is the thing that allowed a middle-of-the-food-chain (at best), soft, vulnerable, and otherwise evolutionarily unspectacular species to dominate the planet. We are able, and therefore willing, to choose against our basic nature, against the good of our species, and against Nature itself, to chase down socially constructed expectations of worthiness. We are seeing the results in the choices made daily in venues from the largest international stages down to the seemingly mundane, day-to-day decisions that you or I might make in a given moment, and everywhere in between. We are also seeing that we are still, despite our best efforts and the boasting of an endless string of fellow humans, a middling, fragile, and vulnerable member of the natural world (COVID-19 anyone?). The misapplication of free will in service of the ego has us collectively living on the brink of disaster. And yet, there is hope.

The Upside

We are force-fed examples of people using their free will to perpetrate catastrophic, divisive, abusive and monstrous acts against each other and against the Earth, but giving free reign to our worst egomaniacal impulses is not all that humanity is about. The ego’s ability to choose also gives us an unmatched capacity for altruism, charity, kindness, courage, and compassion. The ego itself is a neutral phenomenon, inherently possessing neither ill will nor good intent. It is simply a mechanism through which we are able to make higher-level observations about, connections between, and decisions regarding our experiences and what exists in the world around us. We can choose to live in a constant scramble for extrinsic motivation, gratification, and specialness, but we can also make the decision to go inside, to self-examine, to treat ourselves and each other with respect and kindness and patience and humility in the face of perceived or construed differences. 

We can choose to quiet the chatter so that we may listen for what is underneath our own impatience or confusion, to prioritize well-being over spectacle, to approach each other with compassion and openness, and to seek out ways to bring ourselves back in alignment with Nature. We can choose where to direct the finite personal resources of attention, energy, and willpower. Free will is part of our reality, and however we got here, our place as the preeminent species on the planet comes not with a mandate of domination, but with the responsibility of stewardship. The way to accomplish this is through an intentional, humble, compassionate and urgent reconnection with Nature. We must begin by understanding, and helping each other remember, that it is our responsibility to use our free will to choose a way of living that benefits not only humans, but the other life with which we share this planet, and the planet itself. Whatever “getting into Nature” looks like for you, get into it. Especially in a time when human interaction is necessarily limited, a walk in the woods might be the safest thing you can do. If that isn’t part of your reality, I would recommend you find yourself a puppy to hang out with.

The path of destruction that we’re on is not a given, nor is it unchangeable, but we have to choose to make small changes within ourselves and then within our communities; even a 1-degree change that doesn’t seem to be a big deal in the moment can have us in a completely different place somewhere down the road. This is a challenge for the human ego: The satisfaction and benefit from these small changes doesn’t show up instantaneously. It is definitely easier to just keep doing what we’re doing, to put off the needs of the future in favor of the pleasures of the present, but if we are going to thrive as a species, we have to put the ego in its proper place. I am driving the bus, and my ego is helping me navigate; my heart, rooted in nature, is what draws the map. This relationship begins with understanding that we humans are not APART from Nature; we are simply A PART of Nature. If we each learn to put our egos in their proper place and behave according to that principle, our collective fate can change.

Originally published on July 29, 2020