The Importance of Hope

Each of us has the capacity within us to create change, to shape our own destiny. Ok, before you accuse me of spouting new age hippie bullshit, consider this: When was the last time you decided to do something, or go for something, that was really important to you? And when you went for it, with conviction and effort and focus, did you achieve it? And even if you didn’t achieve exactly what you set out to, did some things in your life shift? Did you learn something? When I say that each of us has some say in our own destiny, I don’t mean that just wanting or wishing or praying for something is going to manifest it. This isn’t The Secret.

Just sitting around wishing and waiting for life to happen the way I want it to while I stay securely in my comfort bubble dreaming about it is going to get me exactly nowhere. Positive thinking is a useful tool, but things like hope or desire or prayer or affirmation without action are nothing more than fantasy. I’m not saying that dreams aren’t important, nor am I saying that we shouldn’t exercise our imaginations. I’m saying that “controlling your own destiny” is not that easy. Although in the grand scheme of history it’s almost guaranteed that my life and yours are very small, when we’re in it sometimes it feels massive and complicated and daunting. Making change requires effort, tough choices, sacrifice, compromise, groundedness, and the topic of today’s discussion: Hope.

Hope is variously defined by Merriam-Webster as “an expectation or desire for something to happen,” “to desire with expectation of attainment or fulfillment,” “to expect with confidence,” and my favorite: “a desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fulfillment.” We could also adjust that last one to say, “a desire built upon or supported by an expectation of or belief in fulfillment,” because hope is a foundation. Not just for the required elements of goal achievement (motivation, planning, effort, adjustment, perseverance), but for all performance, for happiness and well-being, and for positive change.

We can prove this through opposition: Have you had moments of hopelessness? What happens to your motivation level when you feel hopeless or uninspired? Are you likely to plan to achieve a goal if it seems like there’s no point? Will you give the necessary effort, be resilient and flexible when challenged, keep going? What happens to your performance? Ok, those were easy questions to answer, and while goal achievement and performance are of course necessary, hope is also one of the driving forces behind – underneath? – something more important: the ability to truly live our lives.

There is a big difference between simply surviving – being alive – and really living. Many, many people on Earth, perhaps the majority, are surviving. When we think of the struggle for survival, we probably think of people experiencing poverty or homelessness, living in volatile political or social climates, or living under the yoke of oppression. For these people, merely staying alive takes all of their resources. And yet, we hear accounts of hope being a powerful force in the lives of people in some of the worst conditions on Earth. So, hope is necessary for survival, for the same reasons listed above. What we don’t always see, or expect to see, is hopelessness among people who would seem to have the resources to think beyond survival. However, hope – and optimism and faith, its close cousins – are not givens for anyone, even those of us who have the benefit of privilege.

Our definition of hope from earlier mentioned fulfillment, and to me, really LIVING – as opposed to just being alive – means that we have moments of fulfillment, meaning, purpose, and joy to keep us moving forward, not just the desire to stay alive. If my one goal is to really live my life, to make good use of the gifts I’ve been given and the strengths I’ve developed, and I have the means to do it, that single goal becomes the framework within which I make all my other choices. It helps me decide what habits, patterns, and people to keep around and which ones to let go of; it also allows me to both be of service and choose my own well-being (no, they are not mutually exclusive, despite what society says). Hope can help guide and reinforce my choices and actions. With hope, which is desire mated to confidence (optimism) and the belief in possibility (non-denominational faith), I am able to take some chances, be resilient in times of challenge, and to provide an example for others who need to see that life can be not just survived, but really lived.

Ok, great and idealistic as that might be, we are also dealing with an unprecedented challenge to our ability to live and thrive. COVID alone would have pushed a lot of people into survival mode, but many people around the world are also dealing with systemic oppression and political and social instability (for example, violent division and the reemergence of fascism). I have lots of privilege, so in a day-to-day, bottom-of-Maslow’s-pyramid kind of way, I have everything I need (ok, way more than I need) to stay alive. And, I am also a human being, sensitive and susceptible to the suffering, hopelessness, anger, uncertainty and fear that is all around us. Although I can only really speak for myself when I say that my mental health – my optimism, faith, and hope – have been and are being majorly challenged, I have a feeling I’m not alone. 

Some serious marks of mental ill health are loneliness (on the rise), anxiety (also on the rise), and yes, hopelessness (you guessed it, on the rise). So, what do we do in the face of all these outside forces that seem to be stripping away our ability to steer our own lives, that get in the way of loving ourselves and drain away some of our sources of inspiration? We have to look inward, because the expectations of the outside world very often serve to discourage us by being unattainable (anyone who has tried to be perfect or pleasing to everyone knows what I mean). We have the ability to know ourselves better than anyone else can, but it takes work. We can begin that work by doing the following (not an exhaustive list, just some stuff that has worked for me):

1.     Practice gratitude. It’s not just a feeling, it’s an action. A growing body of research shows clearly that actively and intentionally practicing gratitude increases the frequency of positive emotional experiences and sustainably elevates well-being. Part of the reason for this is that gratitude, as an active practice, trains us to be on the lookout for reasons to be grateful. Over time, it can shape our perception and our interaction with the world around us by building and then strengthening neural pathways in our brains dedicated to feeling grateful (all practiced actions and thoughts work this way). This of course applies to the good things in life, and those are a great start as we seek to become more grateful people. When the rubber really hits the road is when we are confronted with something that isn’t pleasant, fun, joyful, or easy. The world holds a lot of challenges, from the small and seemingly mundane to the huge and seemingly insurmountable. In addition to helping us lead a generally happier life, the real power of gratitude is as a tool to transform our interpretation of, and relationship to, these inevitable traumas, challenges, setbacks, and failures. Gratitude turns them into learning and growth opportunities; learning and growth are what bring meaning to our lives. A place to start this practice is with a gratitude journal.

2.     Seek help. There is a tragic narrative in many societies that vulnerability and the inability to “do it alone” are signs of weakness and worthlessness. I am here to call bullshit on that bullshit. Who does almost anything entirely alone? Who succeeds at anything without help? If you want to learn a skill, you find a coach or a teacher, or these days you look on YouTube. Want to get physically fit? You find a trainer…or a YouTube video. If you have a physical health issue, you consult a doctor (please don’t use YouTube for this one). So, why is it any different for mental health? Isolation and the resulting emotion, loneliness, are driving a different kind of pandemic right now. Depression, anxiety, hopelessness, domestic violence, and suicide are all on the rise. Simply having someone to talk to who is just there to hold a safe space for your complexity and your feelings without judgement can be enough to help shift you out of mere survival mode. In an age where society looks down on vulnerability, going against that tide and asking for help is one of the strongest things you can do. Whether it’s a trusted friend or family member or a counselor or a therapist that is your person, you are not alone, and anyone who tells you that you should be able to solve everything yourself is either trying to sell you something or is completely full of shit. Your vulnerability is a strength.

3.     Re-examine, reframe, and reflect. COVID has forced us into smaller and smaller groups, if we’re lucky. It has kept us mostly close to home and taken us out of our normal routines. But how much of the stuff we thought was important actually helped us live better? How much of what we thought or did was meaningful? Were the ways in which we distributed our personal resources – energy, attention, willpower, empathy – actually helping anyone, or helping us? Stripping away the fluff can help us get to the core of what really makes us who we are, can help us understand that which we really need to live and that which was just a meaningless or even harmful distraction. This pandemic has taken away some things that help me find joy – friendship, physical contact, fearless participation in society – and those things are a daily struggle. COVID has exposed my own tendency toward anxiety and hopelessness, my own depressive tendencies and some unhealthy habits. And yet, it has also shown me that some things are absolutely not important to me at all. Some aspects of my work. Some people in my life. Social expectations. Other people’s opinions. SOCIAL MEDIA, the least important thing of all. It has shown me some of the patterns and habits that don’t serve me and has given me the time to examine and work to change them. I understand myself better and, although some days are hard, and although the world is in a precarious place, with the help of a few select people who hold a space for me I’m also able to look forward – with some hope, and with optimism, and with faith – to a time when I can hug my friends again.

That was the re-examination, and the reframing. Also important is to reflect – and perhaps record – our experiences, thoughts, emotions, and realizations. So, keep a journal. It doesn’t have to be a daily practice, although the routine can be helpful. Having a place to simply “get it out” can relieve some of the pressure of our daily experiences. It can be a place to record your gratitudes, as well as your frustrations, pains, questions, musings, and thoughts. It can be simple or complex, words or pictures; it can be whatever you want it to be, because it’s entirely yours.

4.     Get into Nature. I believe that the fundamental problem with most modern human societies, and the thing that will ultimately be our downfall, is our disconnect from Nature. Rather than being part of it, we fancy ourselves apart from it. Instead of stewards, we try to be dominators. Many of us live in cities made of concrete and steel, with dirty air and vastly more cars than trees or flowers. We bulldoze, burn, or kill anything that stands on the way of our twisted definition of progress. And where has it gotten us? If you’re looking from the separatist human perspective, we have amazing technology and industry, we build amazing structures and explore every corner of the globe. We have mapped the human genome and the stars. Human accomplishment is astounding. But what is the cost of all that innovation? Some scientists estimate that more than 500 species have gone extinct in the last 100 years because of human activity; some estimates are much higher. This past summer, my hometown was spared from complete destruction only because the wind happened to be blowing the right direction; the two towns north of us weren’t so lucky. 

Our disconnect from Nature is killing the Earth; it is also killing us as individuals, on a physical and mental and emotional level, because we become mired in the press of humanity, and we forget where we came from. We forget the taste of clean air. We forget the grounded feeling of our bare feet on dirt that hasn’t been trucked onto a playground. We forget the sounds of wind in the trees and running water in a river and waves crashing. We forget – or for some of us, have never seen – a mountain range or an unobstructed sunset or a vista empty of human activity. I’m not saying we should all go on a backpacking trip at the same time; this summer, our national parks were overrun and once again, Nature suffered. But what each of us can do is find a place to reconnect, no matter how small. There’s the story of the rose that grew in concrete; often it gets used as a metaphor for human triumph, or for delicacy in an indelicate world. But sometimes, the rose is Mother Nature reclaiming a tiny piece of her territory. A way for us to begin to find our own hope is to seek out – and protect – that rose.

5.     Rest. “The Grind,” or grind culture, is another way in which we have lost step with Nature, and it is perhaps the biggest contributor to our current non-COVID public health crisis. We push and push and PUSH ourselves because we’ve been told that just like asking for help, resting is a sign of weakness. The strong are the ones who never stop, who suffer for their supposedly important – or actually important – goals, who are visibly exhausted but are so celebrated because their work ethic is so impressive. We applaud people who give entirely of themselves to others, call people who take care of themselves selfish, and then proclaim sadness and indignation when people burn out or work themselves to death or kill themselves. Grinding is a uniquely human problem. Animals, on the other hand, get it: They mostly sleep so that they can be at their peak when they need to. They focus on what’s important, namely eating, sleeping, pooping, and taking care of each other. They are PART of the world. 

Daoist philosopher Lao Tzu has a saying: “Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.” So, my fellow grinders, it is up to us to rest when we need it, to replenish our finite personal resources (mentioned earlier: willpower, energy, empathy, attention, and yes, optimism and hope) so that we can use them when we do need to put in work. It’s not about never grinding. The bear hibernates through the winter so that she can give all her resources to living well through the warmer months. The wolves take care of the pack and sleep a lot so that when it’s time to hunt, they can come together to do so. They understand intuitively and through community learning, what it takes to make the most of their time.

Whales, lizards, cows, horses, birds, cats big and small…they all spend much of their time resting. Dogs, the most domesticated of all animals, sleep the most! And yet humans, we of higher cognition and free will, choose to run ourselves individually and collectively into the ground, to continue to do so even as we experience our health and hope declining. So, my friends. Slow down for a minute. Take a few deep breaths. Take a nap. Take a walk. Read something for pleasure. Watch a rom-com. Text or call a friend. These are all activities that can help us replenish our stores. It’s not selfish; if you’re in a helping profession or your life includes service to others, you need to be at or near your best in order to serve them as best you can. To truly “be your best self,” you have to rest.

6.     Have a mindfulness practice. Whatever it is, whether a full-on meditation or just unplugging for a time each day, it is critical for each of us to take the time to connect with ourselves, our emotions, our experience, without judgement or expectation. Being mindful simply means that we become self-aware. It is a whole journey unto itself; we can start by just spending a little time each day paying attention. Remember that walk outside, or that moment with your bare feet in the grass? That’s a mindfulness practice. So too is just sitting quietly. Maybe you like to perform an activity that requires deeper body awareness, like yoga or weightlifting (for me, it’s skiing). However it is that you get more connected to your body, your heart, and your present experience, do a little of it each day. With awareness can come understanding; with understanding comes knowledge. Knowledge can empower us to action, which creates forward motion, which leads to confidence…you get the idea.

7.     Laugh. Hope and optimism require a sense of humor. Yes, the world is tragic and hard and enormously challenging; it is also ridiculous and silly and darkly humorous, and if we only look at the serious stuff, we lose our ability to have fun. Fun – in sports, in life, in everything – helps us see that joy is possible, and that helps us find, and cultivate, hope.

Originally published on December 3, 2020