Avoid the Comparison Trap
We live in a world of comparison, where much of what we are shown in the media and through fashion trends, sports, entertainment, and even the booming self-help industry is designed to show us what life is supposed to look like. The “5 step process to better living” or the “9 habits of highly successful people” can be useful pieces of information, but they tell an incomplete story at best.
Social media is the worst of all, because it is literally based on crafting an image in order to receive validation from other people, some of them friends but most of them total strangers. Instagram’s major function is help people engage their own egos by creating a culture where the most valuable thing is not a person’s true self, but how many followers and likes they have. Even the language it uses - “followers” and “likes” and “influencer” - describes an environment in which external validation is currency. Increasingly, there is less and less accountability for the things that get posted.
Sure, there’s no help from Meta the company; but there is also little to encourage or even reward accountability from the users. It is the ultimate expression of narcissism and a fixed mindset: “Here is what your best life should look like.” Twitter/X is even worse, because the possibility exists for total anonymity which leads to an environment in which someone can say whatever they want, no matter how horrible, to anyone with no repercussions or social checks and balances. It is all judgement, based on the idea that anyone cares what some random troll has to say, and we buy into it with our time, our attention, our emotions, and our well-being.
Time to stop buying in, for the sake of our collective and individual mental health. Immersion in a culture based on comparison and opinion is at best discouraging and at worst life-threatening. 20 years ago, could we have imagined that we would be talking today about a social media-driven teen suicide epidemic?
Here are some things that we can do to begin to change the paradigm:
Turn off your phone for a little while each day, or leave it at home when you go for a walk. Also, go for a walk. Take a break from the online environment, turn off the news, and reengage with your real world. Also, understand that anyone who calls themselves “an influencer” is most likely a narcissist, at least halfway full of crap, and definitely trying to sell you something.
You could take it a step further and delete some accounts. I deleted my Facebook account in 2012 and have not missed it once. I’ve never had Twitter. I have a very tenuous relationship with Instagram. I know that my mental health gets better the less time I spend scrolling.
Get to know yourself better. The better you know yourself, the more discerning you can be about whether what other people say is right or wrong for you. As you learn about who you are and what you want, your strengths and your depths, you will become more grounded and secure in your true self. This means that the storm of opinions out there won’t knock you down, and you’ll begin to focus more on how to live based on your own values and less on what other people think or say.
As you get to know yourself better, it will get easier to use yourself as your comparison reference. Instead of asking “how/who am I compared to someone else/some picture of happiness/some “perfect” person,” try asking, “am I making progress based on where I used to be yesterday? Am I growing in a positive direction? Am I learning?” This is how you avoid the trap of comparison and save yourself the suffering that comes with trying to be someone else (impossible), live up to someone else’s expectations (that have nothing to do with you), or from trying to be perfect or contort your unique self to fit someone else’s picture of success (totally unsustainable).
Learn to think critically. There is so much information out there, and a lot of it is just not truth. Much of it is at best someone’s interpretation of information, presented with some kind of bias (we all do it). We need to learn to consider what we read, hear, and take in so that we can be conscious and informed consumers of information.
Give yourself space to just feel. The foundation of real self-actualization is a fully-experienced self. We are emotional creatures, each of us unique and a little different. How is it at all possible that one “best life” picture is fit for all of us? Ridiculous. Be yourself with yourself, for starters.
Understand that no matter what you do, you will never, ever please everyone. You will never get to a place where everyone likes you or agrees with you. You will never not hurt someone, never not get hurt, never achieve lasting perfection. That’s just how it is. Accept that truth, and you can be free to move on to the more interesting practice of living.
Do some self-work, and always be on the lookout for an opportunity to learn something. Therapy, counseling, meditation, education, new experiences. Whatever is your thing, do it consciously. Everything starts with paying attention.