Find Your Why
Mindlessness is a problem. Often, we go through our daily routines - or for some people, the majority of our lives - just doing what we do because, well, it’s what we do. In today’s technology-driven world, it’s easier than ever to just check out of awareness as we go down the Instagram rabbit hole or binge the hours away with our new significant other named Netflix. I know that I come out of these time-warped adventures dazed and with a low-grade headache, wondering where the time went. Technology can, of course, be great…and also terrible.
On the other side of the coin, there’s a lot of talk out there about Mindfulness with a capital M. It’s a practice, it’s a solution, it’s a way of life, it’ll turn you into The Buddha’s trusty sidekick. These all contain varying levels of truth, and indeed big-M Mindfulness the Methodology is an important part of mental health, peak performance, and overall well-being. What I want to talk about though, is something that flows from both big M Mindfulness and also mindfulness, small m, a practiced and cultivated state of self-awareness.
Why do we do what we do? Sometimes, “because it needs to get done” is as good a reason as we’ll find. But even “because it’s necessary” begs the question: WHY? What belief is underneath our judgement that something is required? Sometimes that thing that we have to do “just because” is unpleasant or difficult, and if we don’t understand the underlying beliefs that inform our judgements and decisions, unpleasantness or difficulty can too often give way to unhappiness and burnout.
So, how do we find our Why? It begins with thinking about and attempting to understand what are called our Core Values. These are the guidepost beliefs by which we live, the foundations for our choices, the compasses for our relationships, our work, our lives. My Core Values help orient me to my goals and dreams; they also help me decide how much and what flavors of unpleasantness I’m willing to tolerate, and when it’s time to walk away or choose something else.
For example, I am confronted with a choice (literally dozens every day, let’s just choose one for now). On the one hand, I could choose to do something that would bring me pleasure. I know I would like it and feel good, and although it won’t last, I want to feel good now and can even justify my choice because I know that positive emotional experiences can be a health benefit. On the other hand, I could choose the perhaps difficult or uncomfortable thing that would create no short-term enjoyment but might come back to me as a bigger, long-term benefit later. Easy choice, right? Except that we live in the time of convenience and instant gratification, and it is oh so easy to convince myself to check out of the challenge and instead choose the quick high, so to speak.
Which option I choose depends on my Core Values and how I live through them. There isn’t necessarily a right or wrong choice, because it’s very likely that I’m going to learn something and gain something either way (even if that something turns out to be a hard lesson). I’m not saying don’t choose the happiness option; I’m saying don’t choose it mindlessly. Seek to understand why you’re making the choice you are, and consciously agree to the tradeoff either way.
Start here: Ask yourself, “What are my Core Values?” These are things on which you are unwilling to compromise; the beliefs that cause you to be disappointed in yourself when you fail to uphold them, and that underpin the person you seek to be. I was asked the other day by an astute coach what the difference is between principles and values, and I still don’t have a great answer; what I will say is that to me, principles have to do with morality, which tends to originate outside of us first, before it becomes an internal compass. These are the “what are you willing to get fired over” moral tenets of your viewpoint. They can overlap with your values, which to me are things that are important to you from inside first, flowing outward. Not a perfect distinction, and there is definitely overlap. It’s a work in progress, just like you and me.
Try this exercise:
Make a list of 10 Core Values. These are things that are intrinsically important to you. They are ways you interact with the world and they guide you in your life.
Once you have that list, narrow it down to your Core 4. This is hard, but important. These are the most deeply-rooted of your values; sometimes you can combine others under a single “value” umbrella.
Now, for each of the Core 4, write down WHY they are so important to you.
Keep the list handy for the next time you have a tough decision to make. Remember, it’s not about the decision itself as it is about WHY you’re making it.
To take it a couple steps further, think about a) how you live through these values - or don’t - in your daily life. This is an exercise in helping you cultivate little-m mindfulness, that state of non-judgmental self-awareness that helps us make conscious decisions rather than just reacting. And b) what happens when these values are challenged. How do you respond? How to you stand up for your values?
Understanding why we make the choices we make leads to making more considered, conscious, intentional choices, choices that align more closely with our values and principles. The last part of this exercise is to evaluate your values (say that 10 times fast). Do they align with the greater good? Where did they originate (upbringing, beliefs, conditioning)? Are they now sourced internally? Are they positive? Answering these questions can begin a process of deep self-realization and real mindful living, and can help us avoid the trap of holding ourselves to the standards set by the opinions and sensibilities of others. Your values are the foundation of who you are; getting really clear on what they are and how to live them will help you Take back command of your self.