Give Your Ego a Nice-Paying Job With Benefits

We humans of the Western world tend to think pretty highly of ourselves. It shows in how we approach foreign policy and wage war, how we interpret history, how we talk about “other people,” and in the ways we project our obsessions onto our national teams. This fascination with specialness also manifests as a mandate of individual achievement at all costs; our modern values as a society are expressed through the celebration and prioritization of what is sometimes called the “cult of the individual.” It is driven by a special ideological mix of exceptionalism and scarcity; there is only so much [love, power, wealth, etc] out there, and if you have it then there’s none left for me, so I’ll do whatever I have to do to get it.

Historically and in modern times, this perspective has helped drive astounding innovation and achievement. Unfortunately, it has also been used – sometimes combined with other ideologies – as justification for violence, oppression, and worse. Social movements, depending on their core values, can serve to either amplify or counter this ideology and its manifestations; while these movements can and do drive change, in order to move us in the right direction, we need to make a switch within each of us. We need to opt out of the cult of the individual and enact a belief in abundance. How? Let me explain…no, it will take too long. Let me sum up.

Our culture not only celebrates individual achievement and the idea of self-made success – it demands it. We hold to a belief that needing help is a sign of weakness; asking for it invites ridicule. One fundamental essence of our belief system is the notion that by sheer individual strength of will and desire we can pull ourselves up out of the muck and make a life that is amazing and memorable and impressive and great. And a few of us will, by social or economic or political standards, do just that. The rest of us will celebrate those few, or be envious of them, or use them as inspiration to work to “get mine.” This is where the scarcity mindset is so effective at keeping us in our loop of chasing specialness while believing there isn’t enough specialness to go around, so we work and struggle and try to separate ourselves from others, but we still want to capture our share of specialness, but there’s not enough…it’s a vicious cycle. The grandiosity and individuality that we celebrate does enable some amazing achievements; unfortunately, it also creates an expectation that unless we are doing something huge and visible – exceptional – we’re not enough.

Another fundamental mistake that we make is that we allow ourselves to be indoctrinated into believing that we have to be special in order to be happy. This belief is the source of much suffering; specialness can bring some kind of happiness for a little while, but it rarely brings true joy. This is because specialness and scarcity also bring separateness, which can get very lonely for social animals like us; real joy comes from abundance, intrinsic purpose, and connection. The isolation of the grind to be exceptional – exacerbated by political and technological systems – is a major driver of loneliness, anxiety, and depression. Our collective health literally depends on our ability to change how we view ourselves.

The truth – one that I find comforting, honestly – is that most of us, by the externally-imposed standards listed above, and in the scope of history, will actually lead relatively unexceptional lives. For me, understanding and accepting this truth imparts freedom: To chart my own path, to let go of the expectations of others, and to lead a life of purpose. I reached this understanding by embarking upon some very honest self-examination in various ways (therapy, spiritual practice, journaling, working) and asking myself some serious questions: What do I really believe in? What are my core values and agreements with myself? What impact do I want to have? Exceptional according to whom? Once I stopped letting other people – people who are not me and don’t know me – decide what success looks like for me, I was free to put my energy and attention towards, and seek mastery in, areas that are intrinsically meaningful to me. When motivation comes from inside, “why” is never in doubt. This means that I can focus on the how. This orientation towards solutions requires curiosity, and curiosity requires humility. Once I find that, I can begin to let go of my need to be special.

You may be thinking, “But Aaron, you just spent the first paragraphs of this essay lambasting our individualistic culture, and then the rest of it talking all about yourself,” and you wouldn’t be wrong. However, I never said individualism was bad, only that our brand of it - scarcity is the secret ingredient that drives it over the edge - is so overblown that it creates a cycle of “not enough” that drives problems from overwork and burnout to declining mental health to obesity and war. It prevents us from connecting with our authentic selves, and with each other. In our pathological need to get what’s ours, to be special, more than, bigger and better – noticed – we spend a lot of time, energy, willpower, attention, and health on building ourselves up by putting each other down.

Individualism by itself isn’t necessarily the problem; scarcity is what turns it into a cult, because when we’re fighting each other for limited resources - love, or worthiness, or spiritual favor, or whatever - we lose the ability to root for each other. Abundance, on the other hand - the notion that there is enough of everything for everyone - allows me to express my individualism and work to improve my own life without the fear that your success will stifle mine. In this scenario, I don’t need to be special because I’m not more or less deserving or capable than anyone else. I don’t need everyone to validate me by following or submitting to me; I’m enough, simply because there’s enough.

Is there more to this new mindset? We’ve talked about making a change from scarcity to abundance and from being obsessed with our own individualism to a more humble perspective. Another move that can lead us out of our current ideological spiral is to practice authenticity, in the sense of accepting and being who I am, knowing that that person is worthy and not working SO HARD to fit in; this can alleviate a lot of my suffering. Excising unattainable outside expectations and reorienting towards my own definitions of success leads to the real possibility of finding a sense of fulfillment, which is itself a major driver of well-being. If I seek realness instead of specialness, I’m more connected with myself and able to make authentic connection with others, and this social connectedness also drives happiness. This doesn’t mean I won’t struggle or experience frustration, and that’s ok; these are both essential to growth. What it does mean is that I’ll have a solid, grounded center from which to approach my challenges. It also allows me to put my ego – the real source of my need to be special, and the untethered and unmitigated nature of which drives many of our serious problems – in its place and working for a good cause.

With apologies to Ryan Holiday, the ego is not actually the enemy. Yes, it gets in the way if we let it, but it is also a necessary component of our psychological makeup; it is what allows me to say, “this is me, different than you.” This is not an inherently bad thing, in part because, although we are all connected, we are also all unique and individual and there is real beauty in those differences. The point is not to remove all differentiation; we interact with the world through opposition, and although it can get us in trouble, it’s also an important lens through which to see if we can do so with humility. How will I know joy if I don’t have the counterpoint of sadness? How can I appreciate success without knowing what it is to fail? How can I know myself without recognizing that I’m me, not someone else? Additionally, there are aspects of the human experience that require us to be able to make hard choices, take on challenges that demand a little bit (or a lot) of push, confidence, and self-belief. I work with athletes, so I relate to the world at least partially through the lens of sports; I can tell you that a healthy ego is a requirement to take sports to the highest level (whatever that means for each of us), and that the joy of competition does not exist without the ego, nor do the thrill of victory or the agony of defeat, or the growth opportunities that arise from those failures and successes.

At its best and when properly directed, the ego can help us learn, grow, and evolve; it serves, we don’t serve it. With this understanding, I then must give my ego a good job: What does it serve, and why? The answers come when I pay attention to and accept the truths of my own experience, and learn to recognize the “voice” of my ego when it starts to chirp. Thoughts, emotions, and behaviors: I have to notice and acknowledge where they’re coming from, and then give my ego a job that directs it to act in service of curiosity, courage, and a purpose bigger than it and bigger than me. Whether it’s God, the Universe, my family or my team, my ego needs to be in service of something other than its own mandate. When this happens, the ego goes from saboteur to powerful tool for growth. Now, it has a good job with benefits.

Hopefully at this point I have my why; now for the rest of the how: As I understand it, both from experience and from the mouths of coaches and athletes that I respect (Kobe Bryant and Gregg Popovich, among others), the way to find sustainable motivation, success, fulfillment, and joy, to stay connected to purpose of both the intrinsic and higher varieties, and to embody a belief in abundance that elevates those around me, can be summed up in the following way:

Get over yourself.

Originally published on August 17, 2023