Establishing Core Values
I find myself constantly wondering - and, let’s be honest, feeling pretty upset - about what inspires people to do some of the things they do. In the midst of a lot of confusion and uncertainty, it is easy to get swept up in the tide of mindlessness that is rolling through our society and our collective psyche, to just do things because they’re easy or because someone said it was a good idea. Not all of those things are “bad,” and not all of them are “good,” and choosing where we devote our time and energy isn’t about opinion: it’s about awareness.
I heard a statement somewhere about why we do things that really stuck with me: “There are only two reasons to do anything: Because it needs to be done, or because of love.” This is my starting point when I’m examining a choice. Does this task need doing, even if I don’t like it or want to do it? If it does, and it’s within my power to choose it, I will. In work, life, sport, relationships, family, and everywhere else, sometimes there are things that just need to get done because they do.
The other reason to do something is love, and that’s where discernment becomes even more important. Am I choosing this challenge out of love? If so, love for what? In sports - which are not separate from life, but rather are one sometimes-important part of it - it is vital to stay connected with our love for the game and for the process of growth within the game. In the conversation about why we choose THIS instead of THAT, especially when things get hard, the foundation and the first answer will ideally always be “because I love it.” The foundation of sustainable peak performance and sustainable fulfillment is love. If you don’t love something for its own sake, and it doesn’t absolutely need doing, I recommend that you take a good hard look at whether or not to do it.
If we do love something, hopefully the answer to the question of “why” is intrinsic, meaning you are showing up and choosing your actions based on an internal compass, for reasons that are meaningful to you for their own sake. The opposite is doing things for extrinsic reasons; validation from parents, coaches, or peers, for example, or because it will make you famous, rich, or cool. Sure, it’s fun to be popular and wealthy, but without a foundation of core intrinsic values, the external stuff can lose its meaning, become hollow or lonely, or even become a burden.
This quick exercise is designed to help you begin to understand your true reasons for doing what you do, so that you can develop the skill of choosing where to devote your finite personal resources of attention, energy, willpower, and perseverance.
Choose a general activity in your life. For example, “work” or “my sport” or “relationships.”
Take some time to consider what are the things you value most in that arena. These are things that you value not because someone else said they’re important, but because they are meaningful to you. For example, if I am talking about sport, then some of the things that I value are compassion, competitiveness, joy, and accountability.
Make a list of 8-10 core values.
Now, look at your list and see if some of the values are related or lead to any of the others. You are looking to narrow this list down to 4, and it is likely that some are encompassed by others. For example, both competitiveness and effort are important to me in sport, but effort is implied in competitiveness, so that is the one I choose because it gives me both. Same with humility, communication, and accountability. I choose accountability because it encompasses the other two.
Once you have your 4 core values, you can begin to evaluate your decisions through a lens of expressing or living by those values. How can I make this choice in a way that allows me to express, or live through, my core values? If compassion is important to me (it really, really is), then what can I choose in my life, in my work, in my words and actions, that cultivates and embodies compassion?
As you begin to examine your life in this new paradigm, you will likely encounter some things - relationships, activities, choices - that don’t fit. This is probably going to be uncomfortable, so here is my advice: Apply the first criterion to yourself. “Does this change need to be made, and why? And/or, is it out of love for myself?” Needing it to happen will take you to a certain point; self-love will sustain you and take you a lot farther. If that is something you’re working on…welcome to the club. You’re not alone.