Managing Emotional Triggers
Do you know when you’re about to lose it? That moment, right before the lid blows off. Can you identify it? Ok, that was two questions. Sorry, psychology is always like that, one more question asking you to go inside and look at the things that aren’t so pretty or happy or socially acceptable. Real counseling doesn’t deal in the instagrammable.
The vulnerability that is invited by real self-reflection is, tragically, viewed as weakness in our society, and that stigma really subverts our desire and ability to recognize the things that trigger us and our ability to learn to manage - or even dictate - our reactions. This recognition is a key piece of resilience, which is one of the main ingredients in peak performance but more importantly in the ability to lead a balanced, fulfilling, dynamic, challenge-driven, and growth-oriented life.
The question is, how do we do it? For me, recognizing triggers begins with identifying the reaction. For example, when I was playing basketball, I would often find myself frustrated, angry, combative…truthfully, I look back and realize that I was probably not the most pleasant person with whom to be on the court. Ok, so let’s pick a reaction: How about arguing with the refs? Why did I do this? I felt cheated, righteous, angry, frustrated, self-conscious about mistakes. My reaction was to lash out, often to the detriment of my team and almost always to the detriment of my game. So there’s the reaction…
Now for the trigger. This is important, because in the context of this moment of reaction, I’m not necessarily looking to solve the deep, fundamental issue RIGHT NOW; that is for training, for therapy, for journaling, for deeper reflection when there is no immediate demand to perform. The study of our triggers and reactions begins with “off-court” training. In the moment, on the court, I need a quick tool or set of tools to get me out of the reactivity and back into the game. Here’s some of what I’ve learned, starting with the “off-court” stuff:
I need to breathe. The number one tool for emotional regulation is the intentional and focused use of breath to get me into a space of calm. According to George Mumford and others, there is a space between stimulus and response from where we can make conscious choices about what to do next; from this place, which is primarily accessed through breathing, we can ACT instead of react. The space is small, sometimes only the size of a single good, deep breath. But it is the space from which all performance flows.
I need to be able to observe my own experience. A mindfulness practice that trains present-moment, non-judgmental awareness of what is happening, is crucial. This is not the “just sit with it” kind of mindfulness, but rather observation as information-gathering for making my next choice. It is mindfulness that leads to action. Meditation, breathing exercises that put me in touch with my body and heart, and mindful activity (a walk or a workout, fully engaged, for example) are all ways to begin to get in touch with our present-moment experience.
I need to be able to reflect on past experiences. Looking back on what happened - with self-compassion, and with as much neutrality as I can manage - is crucial in identifying what set me off, or where things started to take a turn towards reactivity. I’m especially looking for patterns in my own reactions and behaviors. This is when I usually can point to something that happens inside me that prompts a bad reaction by recognizing how I began to feel leading up to that reaction. The thing that precedes that emotional ramp-up is called the trigger. It can be an event, a decision, or an experience. Go easy on yourself here; this is potentially some of that “not so pretty” that we tend to avoid. Journaling and counseling are great ways to learn this skill.
I need to be able to practice compassion and gratitude, and understand why the game is so important to me. These open the door for me to go a little easier on myself and gain perspective, which builds resilience, which goes a long way to reducing the power of the trigger over my choices. Gratitude especially is a way to stay in touch with the love I have for the game, which shifts my focus away from all the ways I’m being cheated by the officials and the laziness of my teammates on defense and the crappy rims in the gym (like I said, I might have been unpleasant) and onto the things that keep me coming back for more. Again, these are skills that require practice and training.
Ok, for the in-game tools: Like anything, we train mental and emotional skills outside of competition so that when we get into the heat of the moment, they come naturally to us when we need them.
Step 1 is to BREATHE. In previous newsletters, I’ve outlined some exercises. In this case, it might just be enough to take a deep breath or two to create some separation between the trigger (stimulus) and my response. The pause lets me switch from reaction to action.
Step 2 is to CUE. It can be helpful to perform a consistent action to leave behind the thing that set you off. For example, do you wear a wristband? Try snapping it against your wrist. Are you a golfer? What if, after a bad shot, you just went straight to your bag and calmly put away your club instead of slamming it on the ground or chucking it into the trees? Find your action cue and then use it.
Step 3 is to CHOOSE. You have successfully identified your trigger, given yourself space, and cued yourself to move forward instead of being stuck in your reactivity loop. Now, what is the next choice? Make it.
This isn’t a linear process, and it takes dedication. Take it one step at a time, starting with the investigation of your experience itself. The other stuff will follow.