Self-Reflection
One of the most powerful tools that we can develop, whether in service of elevating our performance or improving our mental, physical, emotional, and social health, is the ability to turn our gaze and attention inward.
It’s very easy, and a natural instinct, to look outside of ourselves for threats, problems, directions, distractions, orientation, and answers, and there absolutely are outside forces that act upon our lives, both positively and negatively. Isn’t it tempting to take all that in and decide that it’s just too much to grapple with? And then to just stay where it’s safe, continuing to wrestle with the problems that we know and can see? I know it is for me. What I’ve learned, though, is that living this way actually doesn’t keep me safe; it makes me emotionally, mentally, physiologically, and motivationally brittle. What I mean is that spending so much time look outside myself - for someone to blame, or for someone to “fix” my problems - makes me helpless and dependent.
I’m not saying that there aren’t external problems to solve, because as we’re seeing all around us, there are big challenges in the world; what I AM saying (and I’m far from the first to point this out) is that those outside problems also exist within each of us. They resonate, they make us feel, they impact our lives and how we view ourselves, they threaten us and shape our internal experience by the force and power of their influence. In sport psychology, the notion of “control” is a big topic of discussion. I prefer “command,” because control reminds me of holding something so tightly that it takes all of my energy. Command, on the other hand, reminds me of leadership, clear vision, collaboration, and purpose. Let’s dive in.
There are a lot of things about the world outside of each of us that we can’t control or command. So, rather than wasting our time with what psychology calls an “external locus of control,” my goal for myself - and for you, and for anyone with whom I work - is to shift that locus internally. A locus is just a particular point, location, or place. In this case, it is a point of reference for our ability to cope, problem-solve, and find worth and motivation; it is the place from where we make our choices. Since in this case none of the above depends on the opinions of other people, media, or any of the systems with which we interact, the internal locus of control gives each of us the opportunity to become resilient rather than brittle, a little more clear and grounded and perhaps even courageous and a little less susceptible to confusion and fear.
How do we begin to make that shift? It starts with self-reflection and admitting the degree to which each of us looks outside for self-reference. This can look like avoiding feelings, like those of us who stay so busy that we’re always one step ahead or floating 6 inches above our emotions. It can involve getting lost down the Instagram rabbit hole, getting more anxious as we wonder what we’re actually supposed to believe, feel, and look like, as we start to question our own worth or sanity because we’re not doing enough. There are other escapist mechanisms: TV, substances, obsessive exercise, overworking, taking on too many things at once, or moving constantly because of a vague sense of dissatisfaction, what I call “geographic happiness.”
We are amazingly creative at coming up with ways to avoid examining ourselves and our participation in - or creation of - our own life experiences, problems, and triumphs. But in order to find an internal source of self, we must actually go inside ourselves. It’s unavoidable that you will find some things that you aren’t proud of, or that aren't pretty, or that embarrass or confuse you or cause you pain. That’s ok, because human beings are complicated. I promise that the payoff is worth it: You will - eventually, and with much work - reclaim command of your life, your sense of purpose and fulfillment, your problem-solving, your choices, and yourself. Here’s how you start:
Slow down before you crash (emotionally, physically, mentally). Imagine that your kid just dropped their toy in the car and is now screaming bloody murder. Do you just keep driving and suffer, or do you maybe pull over so that you can look inside the car for the source of the problem without risking your well-being? (Yes, in this analogy you are the driver, the car, AND the howling toddler. That’s the point).
Learn how to breathe consciously. This is the ultimate “go inside” activity. You can work with a meditation teacher, a mental performance coach (I know a guy), a yoga instructor, or even an app on your phone. You don’t have to spend hours sitting in silence; you just have to learn to pay attention to your breath.
Find a really good counselor, or someone really smart to listen. The stigma around mental health care is absolute B.S. How are we expected to navigate the complexities of life alone? The “bootstrap” mentality is a trap and is oh so lonely. Think of it this way: If you persistently have a stomachache, do you just keep going as you’ve been going, doing what you’ve been doing, and hope the pain will magically end? Or do you call a doctor or someone who understands nutrition and digestion? Counselors and psychologists are trained. The main thing they do (the good ones, I mean) is listen. Sometimes, that’s the thing we need most.
Find a spiritual practice. This could be church, but it could also be meditation, yoga, or simply getting into nature in order to gain perspective and calm.
Get into nature. We are PART of nature, despite our social and economic systems telling us that we are APART from nature. My observation is that a lot of our human problems stem from a disconnection with the natural world combined with a need to dominate rather than participate. Go find some trees, a river, a mountain, an ocean, some wild nature, take off your shoes, and feel the Earth. For those of you in cities, do the best you can. To my golfers out there, the country club doesn’t count.
Hold yourself accountable. In every situation, ask yourself: What’s my part in this? What does this mean to me? What are my choices, and what might be the consequences of those choices, for myself and for others?
Figure out what’s under your command. Back to the beginning, now. Start if you must by identifying what is NOT under your command or control; process of elimination will leave you with what is. Then focus on those things and what you can do to make them work a little better for you and the people around you.