Applied Positivity
When it comes to paying attention, the human mind doesn’t understand the word don’t. Let’s try something: I want you to not think about a huge pink elephant. DON’T THINK ABOUT IT. No really, don’t think about the big pink elephant. THERE ARE NO HUGE PINK ELEPHANTS.
How did that go? Let’s try another example, for the golfers out there (of which I am not one, but I like this one). Imagine you’re at the first tee, and there’s a lake. DON’T HIT IT IN THE WATER. Seriously, don’t. Not the water. Water water waterwaterwater.
What happens in both of those examples, because the brain doesn’t understand don’t, is that it automatically zeroes in on the object in question, whether it’s the water feature or the elephant or torturing a younger sibling. I see coaches and parents do this all the time; they (we, you, etc) tell a kid what not to do. Of course, for the coaches it’s baffling why the kid then goes out and does exactly the thing they were told to avoid. For parents, I’m sure you can relate to your child doing exactly the thing you told them not to do (to be fair, they might just be trying to get a reaction out of you, but you get my meaning).
We do this with ourselves, too. We spend so much of our time supposedly focusing on “growth,” on analyzing what we did wrong so we can “fix it,” that we forget about what we ARE trying to achieve and what we DO want. This isn’t entirely our fault; the brain of Homo sapiens sapiens (you know, us) hasn’t changed meaningfully in a loooooong time. So, the mechanism that helps us spot danger is still operating as if we’re a clever but also soft, pink, and middle-of-the-food-chain species. This way of viewing the world - to be on the lookout for threats at all times - doesn’t usually have immediate mortal danger to contend with these days (for most of us), so it goes looking for “threats” elsewhere. Hence, our propensity to focus on the negative. Good news though: We can change this approach.
The intentional application of positivity is two-fold, and simple:
Choose to turn towards the positive. In a given situation, rather than immediately jumping to the things that went wrong, begin with what went well. What did I/my athletes/my kids do right? What were we striving for that we’re on our way to achieving? What’s working? What’s the opportunity? What’s my next move? Where’s the solution?This focus on the positive aspects of a situation can be applied both retroactively and, once we get good at it, in the moment. It doesn’t negate mistakes or challenges, it just gives me an optimistic way forward.
Apply positive will. As in, what DO I want to do/achieve/accomplish? Or, if you’re a coach or a parent, tell your players/kids what you DO want from them! The adult brain retains some neuroplasticity, which is good news for us as we attempt to shift perspective; the kid brain is just ripe for shaping, in a constant process of growth and building. When we help kids build positive (in both senses of the word) neural pathways, we are helping create positive (again) viewpoints and outlooks, habits, behaviors, and ways of interacting with their own experiences and the world around them using their strengths and building forward from challenges.
Along the way, we may even be able to alleviate some of the suffering that comes from an obsession with “what’s wrong.” So, keep it positive, and keep it positive. For the kids, and for yourself.