Stop Chasing Happiness
In the wake of the University of Oklahoma softball team winning their 3rd consecutive national title last month, Head Coach Patty Gasso responded to a question about being happy with the accomplishment by saying that they’re not concerned with happiness in that locker room. Wait, what?
Her response really got me thinking. This summer, and really forever, life has provided its endless and unavoidable fluctuations. My “happiness level” is constantly changing, and the impulse to try and “be happy” when I’m not is a strong one. There is a lot of messaging out there about how to be happier (and why it’s not ok to be unhappy), selling products and experiences, medications and things to do, try, and be, in service of increasing happiness. And sometimes they work, for a little while.
Happiness is fleeting for a couple of reasons: The first is that it’s an emotion connected to a neurological system that is always seeking balance. When a neurotypical brain floods with serotonin in response to a pleasurable stimulus, eventually the mechanism to reabsorb it will activate; what we feel as happiness is not designed to be “on all the time.” It is, again in a “typical” brain, designed to come back to homeostasis (a range of optimal balance or baseline), which is the ultimate goal of all biological systems. The return to one’s emotional baseline is called hedonic adaptation, and it’s why something amazing eventually becomes mundane. It’s how we’re built, and it helps us survive by keeping us in an optimally-functional range and relatively undistracted by constant stimulation.
It is also important to understand that happiness is usually attached to an outside source. The things that generate happiness are not the same for each of us, but the language we use is very telling: “My new car makes me happy” or “he/she/they make me happy” or “this national title makes me happy.” This is an oversimplification of course, but staking my well-being on events or things outside of my control or that can’t last is a gamble, and it gives away the power I have to influence my own experience. Plus, as Coach Gasso said, “someone has to clean up that confetti the next day.” In other words, that happy event is in the past and prep for the next season begins now. So, we have to move on.
There are ways to elevate one’s emotional baseline over time, including therapy, proper nutrition, staying hydrated, sticking to good habits, practicing gratitude, meditating, spending time in nature, and limiting the use of social media. We can also cultivate and sustain overall well-being (which is not the same as being happy all the time) by changing our priorities and objectives.
What if, instead of happiness, I focus on seeking fulfillment? Fulfillment is achieved by engaging in activities, building relationships, and working to cultivate experiences that are inherently meaningful TO ME. These things are not dependent on outside sources and are not measured in the pounds of pressure I feel when I think about them or the accolades or awards I gain from the outside. Fulfillment comes from something that I choose because it resonates with my most deeply-held values; it comes from growth and expression and applying what I learn for good. It comes from the very act of choosing something hard, working at it, failing (repeatedly), trying again (and again), accomplishing it, and changing my evaluation of what I thought I could achieve. It comes from shared purpose and the struggle to all row the boat in the same direction, and from the movement, momentum, and rhythm achieved by that collective effort and commitment.
When Coach Gasso says that they are focused on fulfillment, I understand that to mean that in their program everyone is actively engaged in a process driven by meaning, shared values, and small choices to work together and for each other every day. In that process, there will be struggle, failure, and unhappy moments, and that’s ok; without the bigger picture and intrinsic meaning that a quest for fulfillment provides, we’re likely to quit before we get to enjoy the happy ones.
Update: OU has now won 4 consecutive National Championships.