Setting Healthy Boundaries

The idea that we are supposed to give 100% of our energy, attention, willpower, and self to “our thing” is pervasive. We see this single-mindedness in sports; we also see it in work, in family, in every area of our lives. We call it dedication, commitment, perseverance, obsession (supposedly in a good way). We laud it, celebrate it, proclaim that it is the only way to succeed. We frown upon, belittle, and write off those who don’t practice it. We equate rest and recovery with laziness, and we question the commitment of those with diverse interests. And, there is something to be said for the ability to narrow our focus and concentrate our efforts onto a singular goal. Not everyone can do it, and it is a highly useful skill when we need it. There is another side of that coin, however, and that’s what I want to talk about right now. 

I was having a conversation with a coach recently about the pressures of doing the job perfectly, of pleasing everyone, of putting out every single fire. He was struggling a little bit because he felt like the need to do his job was all-consuming, and yet no matter how frantically he runs around with an extinguisher, new fires are always popping up.

I was having another conversation with a different coach and she was explaining to me the challenges of balancing her desire to put energy into coaching with the need to also apply herself to other areas of her life. She’s overwhelmed, and feels like no matter where she gives her attention, it’s wrong because there are other things that aren’t being attended to.

What do these two examples have in common? A need to establish – and honor, and follow through on – clear boundaries. Often when we think about setting a boundary, the first correlation we make is saying “no” to something or someone, so let’s start there. Why is it so hard to say no? For some of us, we feel a need to keep doing, to never be still, so that we can feel productive. For others, we want to please everyone while avoiding disappointing anyone. For still others, we feel ashamed or weak or deficient somehow if we can’t handle everything that is thrown at us or asked of us. And I’m only talking about myself here; maybe you have other reasons. 

Whatever your reasons are, all of those ideas come from somewhere outside of us. We learned those standards, we adopted those ideals. No one exists in a vacuum; according to the Ecological Systems Theory (Bronfenbrenner, 1974), we interact every day to varying degrees with all sorts of environments and ideas that influence us – and are influenced by us – based on how closely we interact with them. My family and close friends are the first layer, my closest interactions. As the layers move farther away from me, through my school or workplace or church to my general community to my state, nation, and world, the level of influence changes. Bronfenbrenner’s model is often used to help understand child development; it can also be used to help adults set boundaries to help us thrive.

If I am not aware of the demands and where they’re coming from – and how important, really, is that source of expectation or demand – I can get overwhelmed pretty quickly. Feeling productive, but by what standard? Deficient compared to what? As for pleasing everyone…look, I’m sure you know what I’m going to say, but I’ll say it anyway: No matter what I do, and no matter what you do, some people are going to be pleased and others will be pissed. Literally, no matter what. It’s easy to throw up your hands and say, “I quit, what’s the point?” It’s more productive to think along the lines of, “Isn’t that freeing? If I can’t please everyone, maybe the best thing I CAN do is to determine what’s most important, what needs my attention now that I can influence in the moment, what’s best for me and the people closest to me or the people in my community, and give my attention to THOSE things; maybe I can let go of the rest.” 

That is a boundary that involves saying no to some things, AND it also involves saying yes to some other things that might not be our preference but are important. I once heard that there are only two reasons to do anything: Out of love, or because it needs to be done. In order to set healthy, reasonable, constructive boundaries, we have to practice the art of non-judgmental, honest, heart-centered and neutral evaluation of our present-moment situation with the goal of determining our next course of action and what must be included or excluded in order to get there; this is known as mindfulness. 

Another way to say that is to a) follow what my intuition aka my heart is telling me and b) be as neutral as possible when I’m trying to figure out if something “needs” to be done. I’m not saying to just do what feels good; that’s hedonism, pleasure-seeking, instant gratification, and is often the opposite of sustainably productive although it feels good in the moment. I’m also not saying that you should just follow your emotions; that’s not what it means to follow one’s heart. What I’m saying is that YOU KNOW when something is or isn’t right, that feeling or impulse or resonance deep down that gives you a little ping or nudge. That’s intuition, the voice of your heart, and whether you listen to it or not can often determine how you experience what happens next. Another way of saying this is that you have to get really clear on What’s Important Now (W.I.N.), say yes to those things, and say no to some of the others. 

For the first coach in the above examples, the one who has trouble disengaging from his job, he might have to set “business hours” or even “office hours” inside of which he’s available and outside of which he’s not. Some people will be like “good for you” and others will be selfishly upset, because how dare he not be available whenever they need something that objectively is unlikely to need attention RIGHT THEN; they’ll get over it. Standing up for ourselves in this way can feel scary and risky, especially if I have a boss who has gotten used to certain behavior and isn’t used to me sticking up for myself. On the other hand, if I burn myself out and am unhappy and exhausted, don’t enjoy my free time, and don’t see my family or have time to walk my dog…is it worth it? And more importantly, will I do my job well? Creating boundaries and space means I have more to give to my job when I’m there.

For the second coach, who feels spread thin and pulled in too many directions, the first step might be to sit down and think about what things requiring her attention are truly meaningful or important to her, and which of those things is imminent vs. what can wait a minute. For me, structuring my schedule in a way that leaves dedicated time for particular tasks, some flexibility, and built-in downtime is a useful step here. Why is built-in downtime emphasized? Because I know that I have a strong tendency to work too much, to the exclusion of other important things in my life like recreation, sleep, exercise, and recovery. I have to make myself chill out, because when I don’t my health suffers.

Another tactic here is to practice self-compassion by asking myself what I really need right now. Do I really need to spend more time answering emails or do I need to go for a walk or take a nap or work out or have a cup of tea or read and just chill so I can regenerate for the next task? We’re decent at asking that question (especially if it’s to someone else, like a loved one) but a lot of us suck at honoring the answer, especially when it takes us away from some “responsibility.”

There’s another kind of boundary that is very, very important in our quest to be thriving humans rather than chronically-fatigued anxiety robots. Early in my last career as a massage therapist, I had to learn to value my time, my health, and myself, and to stand up for those values. I was constantly under-charging for my services, allowing myself to be paid much less than my experience and expertise and skills were worth or sometimes just doing things for free when people asked because I felt guilty for not saying yes. I was overworking myself in order to “pay my bills,” and I got to be helpful, people liked me, and then I got to complain about it (a favorite human pastime).

Breaking the cycle meant losing some clients, and I did. But a cool thing also happened, which is that some people stuck around because they saw the value of my work, and new people showed up based on my changing reputation. And, because I had more energy for work and play - and, let’s be honest, more money - I was happier and more enthusiastic and both the quality of my work and my confidence increased. I gained a reputation for being worth the money, and my practice thrived, but more importantly, my health improved because I was taking better care of myself. And, I began to understand the most central principle of people when it comes to setting healthy boundaries: 

Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.